Metal Reviews

giving nevermind 4 stars makes you SOOOOOOOOFOFCUCKCINGNGCOOOOOOL and hip, i mean you really must understand music if you can unravel it enuff to give it 4 stars. oh rite, MY review:::

oh my god, NEVERMIND! the soundtrack to my life and your life and your brother's life and your mother's wife and the age of the knife. it's poetic and PUNKY and pissy and HEDONISTICK and the album kind of burns like the way your lips burn when you're outside in the winter and the cold wind slaps the fuck outta yo face. ok, so you may think i'm NOT SRSEIORS enuff. well guess what sally jessie raphap, I AM SERIOUS. THIS IS THE MUSIC 2 MY FANTASSY, and i'm gonna tell youwhy!

♪well here's the tale of a band of doods/they took lots of drugs and acted rude/they followed round the melvins and stole the ring/they pissed on rock and were made kings/for they're NIRVARNA (NIRVARNA!)/NIRVARNA! (NIRVARNA!)/THE GREATEST BAND OF ALL!!♪

that's a tribute song i wrote to them. it's called NIRVARNA and appears on my band Lime Mercury's album "Yesterday Was Fun". if you'd like a copy just add me as a friend and send me a message and like no money at all and i'll send you a copy, i'm seirious.

this music means soooooo much 2 me. it represents a lot of the feelings i've had in my life, even when i was a baby and when i was 7 aNd when i was 46 too. it was there through it all. WHAT exactly was it to me?? well well maury povich, i can explain!

it was taking acid in the bathroom during 3rd hour art class. it was watching my dog get run over by the schoolbus on the first day of school FOUR years in a row. it was makin whoopie' goldburg in the janitor's closet with judy. it was singing "smells like teen spirit" to the tune of "more than a feeling". it was the first time i got beat up cause i dyed my hair pink and blue. it was all the times James Plumb stepped on my lunchbag and squished my peanut butter sandwiches. it was all the times i got called QUEER and FAGGOT and CANDY-ASSED GIBRONI just cause i was skinny and had long hair. it was all the times my teacher's failed me for reaking of pot when i came into class everyday. it was working at taco bell late at nite and getting high on lysol with my co-workers shane and moe. it was all the times i cut myslef and drank the blood just to be more like a vampire. it was every single time i ran from the cops, AND every single time i NEVER got caught by those piggies. it was spray painting the side of the bank with STOP VANDALISM, and every weekend when i'd throw a rock through the hardware store's front window. it was driving through ol' Mr. McGongal's corn patch and ruining all his crops. it was everytime i told the close-minded hicks of Peter's Patch to "FUCK OFF!" cause they judged me. it was everytime i got beat up for being black. it was all the times my friend's got their asses beat black-N-bloo by their parents with a board that had a nail at the end of it cause they wouldn't snitch on me for putting holes in their bedroom walls. it was all the times i FUCKING HATED the small town i lived in. ALL the times i contemplated jumping from the bridge to a watery grave. it was the halloween of '87 when i tried hanging myself from the railroad tracks but the rope broke and i fell into the pricker bushes. it was everytime my cereal got soggy cause i had to smoke a J before goin to school. it was SCHOOL, oh wait, no it wasn't, SCHOOL was on BLEACH. but it WAS skippy superchunk extra cruncy peanut butter. it was the pimples and zits and bloodied rags we used to cover our head after splitting it open on the sidewalk in front of Showboat. it was getting kicked out of my parents house for playing TERRITORIAL PISSINGS so loud it woke up both neighbor's babies and shattered all the garage windows. it was reading I AM LEGEND while stoned as fuck at my buddies Alex's. it was morgan and kara letting me lick the palm 4 guava when they were done sniffing the palm 4 guava. it was better than U2, better than GNR, better than COLOR ME BADD. it was BETTER than drugs, it was BETTER than sexxy, it was BETTER THAN ROCK N' ROLL. it was rock, and it rolled, lots and lots and lots and lots and lotffs of joints, lots of laughs, lots of skinned knees and broken fingers. lots of smoke, puffy puffy eyes, lots of pringle popped bloody virgins. it was also lots of fruits and NO vegetables, like all the pineapples and the pears and apricots, the oranges and limes and grapes, THE MELONS, the cranberries and blueberries, the peaches and creames and kiwis. the cinnamon swirld in evry bite.

Nervermind was the future, which is now the present and even some of the past. it was muse and radiohead, BUSH, the strokes and GOOD CHARLOTTE, buckcherry and nelly, animal collective and interpool the smashing pumpkins and my chemrical fromance, even THE USED and PUDDLES OF MUDD, and fall out boy too. oh yeah, stoned pencil pilots, can't 4get bout them neither.

it was like rocking in an aeroplane, EVERYONE WAS LISTENING, and everyone heard something from it. it was the Sign 'o' the Times. it was a revolution in our ears, a rabbit looking guy with big teeth playing our ear drums, a 7 foot hillybilly playing the bass in our brains, a scrawny short blonde/red haired guy with ripped up jeanies and a t-shirt playing the guitar in our hearts ♥. this was the pop prince of FUCK MICHAEL JACKSON OFF THE CHART. ok, that did break my heart, but THEY CONQUERED IT, OK?? THEY FUCKING CONQUERED MY HART OF GLASSES AN THEN IT WAS ALL OK, BECAUSE IT WAS THEM AND IT WASN'T YOU, NOOOOOOO, IT WASN'T YOU1!!!11 damn you.

nirvana represented all the pretty girls and boys you went to junior high with, and how you had nothing in common with any last one of them.

they had the 4 ch0rd intr0, played twice untill it turned in the most powerful DISTORTED chords you'd ever heard, and even before that it was the most powerful non-distorted chords you ever heard. it was the screaming screaming voices in yr head from the perfect end of the world, because THEY CHANTGED THE WORLD, and they made it what they were, which were normal folk like U N Me. they were BEFORE toy story. they were BEFORE pokeman. they WERE toy story. they WERE POKEMAN. but they were more, THEY REALLY WERE MORE. they were a great band of 3 indivudals from Amsterdam who smoked so much green and sang so many wonderul tunes of glory and disgrace and yet they did it so GRACEFULLY in their dresses and rubbled stubble that ejaculated itself from every pore on their faces.

let's review a track::::

BREED iss a song about baseball, so they used it on a baseball video game commercial like SIXTEEN yearz after it came out. well back then, BREED wasn't about BASEBALL, it was about PLANTING A HOUSE, and BUILDING A TREE, and NOT CARING. BREED MEANT APATHY, IT MEANT APATHY, IT MEANT NOT FUCKING GIVIN NO FUCKIN 1 SHITS ABOUT NOTHIN. it was the death of me, IT WAS MY LIFE!. and to quote the man, he said ""I DON'T CARE IF I'M WRONG"". so fuck off. he also didn't care if he was sold so that was an A-O-K to Mr. David Geffen and Mrs. Courtney Luff Cobain to sell it after he'd blew an airhole in his skull.

to review is just part of the problem. the problem is all of us that have even clicked on this artist's profile and page, OR the problem is the people who thought twice about it. don't think twice about it, it's just fucking music and music is an AEROSHIP just like i said eearliar and just like those funky monks sang without that drug addict guy who played their guitars after their other drug addict guy who played guitar had a drug accident and died. if you look at it that way, the drug accidents are what KILLED cobain. he woulda died anyway, he woulda been yr richey edwards and yr martyr and yr superhero and yr BIG OL' FANTASY and yr peter cottontail and peter rabbit and JACK FROST and dr. van helsing. you fuckin critters.

on a plane sounded really gewd. animal collective covered it once, sounded REALLY animal-like and ferocous like a TIGER or LION or a BEAR, ohmy ufc i liked that one a lot, but nirvarna's vershun was indeed better than that. it had the false start thing wherre it sounded all fucked up and then when it took off, the music really made you feel like you were on a plane, an aeroplane of sound. it made me soar and roar and want more and more, but it was track 11 out of 12 and the last song was all sad and slow and gloomy doomy so i would have to start the compact disc over if i wanted more and more of that soar and roar roar roar. goddamit thou that was a really great song thou.

IN BLOOM was really funny and kool too cause it made fun of all the pissies that had no idea WHAT IT MEANT cause they just loved it for what it was. wait, isn't that what i told you to do?? it's like what Bruce Lee said:::::

"Don't Think~FEEEEEEEL"

and damn, he was rite as rain. in bloom is all about feelings, nevermind, actually that was lithium. he sang all about being happy and NOT being sad but man he was sadder than he may have told us. it's ok thou cause he had to be LEGEND. i'm not sure if he read I AM LEGEND by RICHARD MATHESON but i wouldn't really doubt if he did cause he was pretty smart, OH YEAH, i wonder if umm krisst and dave read it too, yeah, the band was like completely 33.333bar% importance for all of them yeah they were ALL IMPORTANT GENIUSES, yeh how could i neglect to talk about them. oh well, whatever, NOT! NOT GONNA DO THAT CLICHED SHIT THAERE HEHAHAHAHAA.

polly was cool, some would call it pussy music but i'd get them there bastards if I HAD A GUN but just like that COME AS YOU ARE song I DON'T HAVE A GUN. i don't need one though, cause I'M NOT SAD.

drain you was cool cause it was about a lover and another lover chewing meat for each other and going into each other's veins. it drained me, i like it. A LOT.

longue act (whatevva) was AWESOME and really had the best bass line on the whole album. the guitars were simple but they rocked ass too. the lyrics were great too, kurt actually sang the word "FUCKing" and it was really BADASS and awesome. he started screaming about "TROOTH!!! COVERED IN SECURITY!!!!!!" and wow he was really mad. this song is about a girl cheating on him or something, the hardcore nirvarna fans might get mad at me cause i don't know the full story but i don't care cause i used to be a bigger fan than you are, BUT NOW I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE, CARE, CARE IF I'M WRONG!!! maybe not

lyrical swab from "on a plane"::::

it is now time
to make it unclear
to write off lines
that don't make no sense

that was probably the best adfice i ever got. they could have recorded an album full of cat scratches and loud farts and geffen would have had to release it, BUT THEY DIDN'T because they were artists untill 33.333bar% of them killed themselves and 33.333bar% of them turned politician and bald and the last 33.333bar% of them turned into very formulatic based arena rock foo foo head. oh well, they were great while they were around and they're still great now. emo sucks.

~Dr. Manhattan

SRSEIORS

don't think twice about it, it's just fucking music and music is an AEROSHIP just like i said eearliar and just like those funky monks sang without that drug addict guy who played their guitars after their other drug addict guy who played guitar had a drug accident and died