I had an amazing day today. I woke up refreshed after a fun night at my friends place, trained some clients, played some scintillating beach rugby, scoring 8 tries, and finally ending the night by taking my fiancee back in a whirlwind of romantic fervor. Now I sit here, palming my face repeatedly, asking why I went out of my way to write a negative review for the readers. I've been doing my first couple weeks of reviews from my personal collection, so you're bound to get more positives from me given the fact that I know what I like and I know what to spend my money on, so I borrowed this disc from an old friend.

You might ask why I'm opening the review on such a personal level. Well, this musical abomination: Danza III: A Series of Unfortunate Events by Mathcore band The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza (sure laugh all you want, the title is hilarious, but the music is the auditory equivalent of Al-Qaeda) has just aurally molested my precious ear canals for the last hour, on a very personal scale.

I have noticed from my last few years enjoying the forums and reviews of the past that for the most part the folks here on MR are very knowledgeable and pure in their thoughts and don't waste their time discussing metal with college age kids in skinny jeans and Whitechapel shirts. Because of the propensity of these little punks that I swear should all jump off a cliff together I have only a couple of friends and you all on MR to go to to talk about good metal.

These thoughts have me feeling that members of the forum will despise this band for the same reasons as we all despise Brain Drill . Technical is good. Progressive is good. Time changes are good (in moderation). A clusterfuck whip stitched monstrosity with no structure or artistic capability is not. The Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza are one of those bands bound to attract the scene kids in their skinny jeans. Now to perform the autopsy on this fetid slab of concrete sewage...

Vicki Mayhem is the first song and it immediately introduces listeners to my previous allusion to Brain Drill and why we can't stand them or this. They play those type of Deathcore style riffs where there's a really low low note followed by a few quickly plucked high resonance notes that honestly sound more like the band is gangbanging a Xerox machine than producing metal. What would have happened in Office Space if the group decided to rape the faulty printer instead of destroying it??? Place Danza III in your disc and you have the answer!!!

There's really no need to discuss anything else song by song. Just know that the vocals sound like every other vocalist in the genre: Disgustingly horrendous. It's like the singer never learned to grunt from his diaphragm and is instead sending all measures from his throat. He's on a one way road to complete pharynx destruction. I guess that wouldn't be a bad thing!!! Once again, the guitars sometimes sound like Xerox rape, and at other times sound like Star Wars porn if R2D2 was the director and his droid models were the actors. The drums aren't loud enough and suck anyways.

FINALLY!!! IT'S OVER!!! time to pick up the pieces, pop an Advil, and get some rest. This band had the guts to use my first name in their title, and even worse, the last song is my birthday!!! (12-21-12) Readers, forumites, fellow reviewers - Don't buy this album. It will ruin your day. 10 points for talent, and 2 because everyone is going to bust my chops over such a drastic score. If you felt this headache right now, you would know why!!!