Metal Reviews

This is a web joke I did about two and a half years ago. Thought I'd share it with some of you. There's also a 50 Ways To Annoy A Metallica Fan joke that I could also post sometime.

And don't blame me if it isn't funny! :twisted:

1. First and foremost, tell him Kurt Cobain's death was well deserved.

2. Listen to Nevermind with him and tell him "Wow, this sounds just like [Insert any mainstream alternative rock/pop-punk band here]."

3. Tell him Come As You Are is actually a warm, fuzzy song about friendship.

4. Tell him the greatest rock band of all time is Motley Crue.

5. Look for and confiscate his hidden shotgun.

6. Show him a bar of soap.

7. Point out that Metallica's Kirk Hammett is a Nirvana fan and used some of his Nirvana influences on the original Load.

8. Sign him up on a sports team or Fitness Club.

9. Remind him that Poison was one of the most popular rock bands of the eighties.

10. Tell him, "Drugs are bad."

11. Tie him to a chair in front of a big screen TV set and put on Seinfeld, Looney Tunes, or anything that may make him crack a smile.

12. Proclaim to the world that the best band of the Grunge Age was Pearl Jam.

13. Admit to knowing who the Vasselines and the Pixies are.

14. Give him the guitar tablature for any song by Meshuggah or Space Boy and force him/her to try playing it.

15. Tell him Kurt Cobain sounds like a drunk John Lennon.

16. Say, "hello" and try to be friends with him.

17. Make him watch old Hulk Hogan wrestling matches.

18. Steel his videotaped episodes of Dragnet.

19. Make him watch Full House (of course, that would also piss off non-Nirvana fans).

20. Tell him Kurt Cobain dressed like a woman during those MTV shows because he was a homosexual.

21. Tell him you think Courtney Love is really hot.

22. Scrape the black paint off his house's walls and replace them with a white or happy-blue color.

23. Avoid voting for a third party candidate in the 2004 election.

24. Replace his self-help tapes with Steelheart tapes.

25. Or if he doesn't have any self-help tapes or books, give him a few.

26. Introduce him to a tall, blonde chick.

27. Give him a 100% free coupon for the local Coin Laundry.

28. Tell him Kurt Cobain killed himself to get even more mainstream exposure.

29. Remind him that Metallica's Black Album sold more copies than Nevermind.

30. Tell him to go back to school.

31. Tell him your favorite movies are Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey.

32. Tell him Beavis And Butt-Head are not cool.

33. On his Nirvana bumper sticker, write the word "Sucks" right over the band's equivalent of a logo.

34. Tell him you know what the lyrics to Smells Like Teen Spirit are about.

35. Videotape an episode of TRL, but digitally replace the video for an N*Sync song with the video for Heart Shaped Box.

36. While he's sleeping, dye his hair pink, green, and blue - if you can get past all the grease, that is.

37. Tell him Heart-Shaped Box was an ugly, soulless love song.

38. Show him a Rosery and proclaim yourself to be a Christian.

39. Chuckle at the lyrics to Rape Me.

40. Use the words "cool" and "dude" in front of his face.

41. Introduce him to my ex-girlfriend.

42. Tell him Weezer is better than Nirvana ever was.

43. Refer to Dave Grohl as "That guy from the Foo Fighters."

44. Play him a Queen record.

45. Remind him that Ozzy Osbourne's a big Nirvana fan.

46. Tell him The Ultimate Sin was your favorite Ozzy album.

47. Dress like Gene Simmons

48. Tell him Micheal Jackson revolutionized rock music in the sixties and the eighties.

49. Give him The Complete Works Of William Shakespeare as a birthday present.

50. Run away before he throws a grenade at you for following one of the previous 49 steps.

Yeah, that wasn't very funny (but i don't blame you!).

Yeah, that one always works for me, except I sub "Pearl Jam" for "Alice in Chains".

I second that :twisted:

they both are better than Nirvana imo

Well,i have to say i don't get why playing a Queen record is annoying for a Nirvana fan!

I third that.

I wrote this list almost two and a half years ago, so even I don't really remember where some of my ideas came from. I guess I came up with that one because Queen is a very complex/heady band and Nirvana is like the exact opposite.

Oh,then i get it!But Dream Theater would be a better example,imo!

But remember "grunge was the angry biteback at the increasingly ludicrous pomposity of 80s...."

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Oh, sorry, I nodded off there.

Actually, here's an entry somebody else suggested.

51. Tell him Kurt Cobain actually did kill himself and that he wasn't killed by his slutty wife.

i like kurt cobain because he killed kurt cobain

It's getting redundent now but I forth that. And while I'm at it I'd mention that Soundgarden was better too.