Metal Reviews

This is the situation: There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

Old, but always funny!

Ha. I've never seen this before...funny stuff. I thought power metal was especially funny...death metal could be a lot better.

Older than Dio.

what the hell is gore metal?

and the nu-metal one i remember was that:
The guy comes up with cornbeads and baggy clothes and is prepared to fight the dragon, but then he remembers the wa his dad used to touch him and starts crying cuz the dragon looks like his dad. the dragon eats him and fucks the princess.

Ha Ha, Funny

The heavy metal one and the thrash metal one should be the same really, except no ahrley for thrash-I would've thought that drinking beer is much more characteristic of thrash than ehavy metal. I would've laughed my ass off had it not been on the net since the 2nd day of God creating teh world.

Dear Lord, how big is this dragon, anyway?

You have to use your imagination. I think it's huge.

He has to wrap her in duct tape first so she doesn't burst.

They forgot about Grindcore.

GRINDCORE*: The warrior comes, kills the dragon and fucks the shit out of the poor princess. All in two and a half minutes.

Two and a half seconds, more like.

lol! RIP Jesse Pintado. You'll be killing dragons and fucking angels in heaven!!!