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Last night I had to take wifey to the hospital because of her 12 hour vomitathon. Anyway, when we got ther it was a little weird.
First of all we explained the situation to the receptionist and filled out the forms. Then we were ushered into this room by a youngish and fattish nurse. She was of the disposition that I would expect from a Japanese family of whose tea ceremony I had barged in on naked and demanding an oral service decreed as mandatory for westerners to recieve by some ancient Shinto law; rude, but dutiful.
So she lays wifey out on the bed and asks in a few syllables what's wrong, ignoring the fact that she had a chart next to her that explained everything. I sat down on a chair next to the bed and settled in for the weirdest hospital visit I have ever had.
The young and fat nurse decrees that wifey needs to produce a urine sample, so she gives her a little cup, points to the bog and leaves the room. A few minutes later a middle-aged man with a big beer gut comes in the room and just stands there. Umm.... Hi? Wifey comes out of the bog, and looks at this guy with a umm.... Hi? look as well. So he asks what's wrong with her. So we explain again the problem and he goes "uh-huh" and leaves the room.
So wifey sits back up on the bed and I sit back on my chair, and this utter beast of a woman comes in. She was one of those fat women in their mid to late thirties who is so filled with anger and hate that no carbon based life form would ever want to make friends with, let alone fuck, and has gone on the offensive. Everyone around her is to blame for her ugly fatness, and she is on a crusade to be as unpleasant as possible to the world as punishment. As soon as I saw her I knew that even those lesbians that look like truck-driving Hells Angels wouldn't even strap one on for her.
So this gorgon comes oozing in and demands what is wrong with Mrs Tlaloc. Again we explain and the monster decrees that she needs to go on a fluid drip. So Medusa gets out the plumbing gear and proceeds to drive a needle into wifey's arm. At first the Harpy tried to use a kind of tuckshop lady tone to soothe her, but as wifey began to wriggle her feet in pain as the needle was pushed into her arm, Nurgle changed her tone immediately;
"Hold still! Don't you kick, I am the last person you want to kick lady! Take it out on your boyfriend there, that's what he's there for!"
After such a verbal battering wifey began to cry.
"Now see here..." I said but was cut off.
"Jesus, I can't find the vein. Swap sides," the Chaos Spawn slathered before moving around the other side of the bed.
Now that we were on the other side of the bed she jabbed another needle into the other arm, and gurgled at me, "Give me that syringe on the bench!"
I picked up a syringe.
"NOT THAT! THAT!" she screeched and pointed at the pile of scattered debris on the table.
"What, this?" I held a little vial of liquid in my now trembling hand.
"No! THE SYRINGE!"
I picked up the same syringe as before, as my powers of deduction and reasoning told me, was the only syringe on the table.
"BLLAAAARRGH!" It wailed "THAT SYRINGE!"
I rummaged through all the crap on the table and picked up an object concealed in a thick paper packaging. The filthy spawn of all that is unclean snatched it from me and took what I believed to be her dinner's worth of blood from wifey's arm, and left the room; with the needle and a long tube just hanging out of my wife's arm.
So a few uncomfortable minutes pass and another, slightly older and fatter nurse comes in, asks what is wrong, gets an explanation, and leaves.
Then the old guy with the fat gut comes back in with one of those fluid bags and attaches it to the arm tube. As he's doing so a sort-of-hot-by-relativity female doctor comes in. I thought that we would finally get some professionalism here. She asks what is wrong. And after a while I begin to realise that, although this doctor has a cute bum, she has a soul that is as cold and empty as the sterilised halls of the hospital itself.
So they attach the bag and the doctor and the old guy leave. After a while the fatter and older woman comes in for no apparent reason, and leaves. Then the old guy comes back to heck on us, just as wifey begins to freak out about the needle in her arm. She was all "Get it off me man, get it off me!" So we decided that we would wander around the ward a bit with the bag attached to a trolley to calm her down. As we wandered out of the room I noticed two important things. The first was that every single one of these weird arse people that have wandered into our room and asked why we were there, were all sitting behind a big long desk together in a group. Why the fuck didn't the first person tell everyone else why we were there? The second was that each and every one of them regarded us in the same way that Queen Elizabeth II would regard a steaming log of excrement in her royal pudding.
So we slunk back to the room under their cold stares. The next hour or so was spent with wifey asleep on the bed and me reading New Weekly, waiting for the fluid bag to drain. When it had, another male nurse I had never seen before came in, saw the bag and left. Then the fatter, older female nurse came in, saw the bag, and left. Then a female Asian nurse came in and detached the needles and shit.
So we made the long march toward the door, past the Fraggle Rock crowd at their long desk, and withering under their accusing glares. They made not-so-subtle looks at our spew bucket we carried in to make sure we weren't stealing anything. We got in the car and left.
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:D:D:D:D::D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:DD:D:D
