I feel fine
I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves-
-Like we were yesterday?
So, here's what's been going on lately, not that anyone will read this probably. Maybe this is just therapeutic for me like all my metal reviews seem to be.
New job kicks ass. Making good cash. I love the city I live in, Los Angeles, I haven't been depressed in about a year. I've got everything I need in life, except one good woman, but that seems like it's just going to happen sooner or later because I'm super sweet to women and I'm a sucker who gets attached easily. The women here are insanely good looking, easy to talk to and just insecure enough to believe they don't have a chance with their ideal images and tend to either demand a rich guy or are looking for the complete opposite, someone that treats them right.
I am just slowly realizing everything I knew would happen in the back of my mind and starting to learn why everything has happened the way it is. Hell, even on the love side of things. I'm getting that persistent dream that a lot of metal songs are based on, the old, "I lost you and now I'm haunted everyday, but we are destined to meet again" I have this odd feeling that I am about to meet this person again and life will just expose itself as a total dream that I can control in another dimension while I dream, where time is nothing but another spatial dimension. Go read the Body Electric and Maxwell's Equations which use quaternions (4th dimensional points in space) to explain still lost electrical and electronics phenomena.
I have come to understand and accept that I am prone to partial brain seizures that have affected me in ways that I wasn't ready to realize until I experienced them knowing what was going on. My mother, of course, neglects to tell me when I tell her that is what is going on, that I had seizures as a an infant. It is hard to describe an autistic "off into space" type seizure and like a lot of people, I thought seizures were flopping around on the ground, but it isn't. In my case, the brain activity having to do with auditory senses is extremely heightened, my coordination is diminished and my visual awareness can, if I want, be completely bypassed when I close my eyes. I have several different "modes" of operating too that for some reason get activated that change my behaviour. When I am working, I'm in adrenaline mode where I have faster reflexes, am sensitive to movement and light visually, but I can only talk in the same repeated scripts because I am so consumed with coordinating my body. This is not bi-polar disorder as I was misdiagnosed with. If you wanna know why I often write long ass posts, it's another type of seizure, yes, this is happening now.
Very weird things keep happening, and I don't mean schizophrenic hallucinations or some other mental illness or anything, but like my job, I went on a couple interviews and sent out some emails, one lady said I was definitely hired. The store wasn't opening for another month and she assured me I was on the schedule and everything and she gave me a lot of contact info in case I changed my mind or needed to change the schedule or whatever, so I stopped looking and the week before they were set to open, I get a phone call about a far better job I emailed in a resume to three weeks earlier. I spent the time practicing and really upping the game in certain areas. So it's just been a strange time and life is really surprising me on how things work out better when you suffer for your convictions and just believe when your brain tries to tell you to take a certain path. Come to find out, one of my new co-workers, one of about a half a dozen very nice and very good looking women is a film student and she's been begging me to make a some samples of my audio engineering because she knows a lot of people that need my talents in that area from school. I'm just too damn busy working and trying to get a good demo reel done so I can join a really good band here in LA.
I'm just really happy I don't have to fool myself anymore and can say something that would be considered fairly good is below industry standards and needs a lot of work to get it there. Due to how I actually practice and record, I could do 10 songs and maybe one or two of them come off as something that If I spent all day listening to, practicing and doing the right amount of takes and breaks in the recording, and it would be at an exceptional level, but my downfall, is I want the rush of singing and want to get to the next song to see how it sounds and there's not a lot of thinking or planning going on at all. I can make some dumbass huge mistake because I'm just off in another world after about an hour and I want to keep the exchange of energy going because I can feel all these new sensations that are so familiar because I overemphasized each one of them for so long and all the memories (detailed excruciatingly here at MR
) come flooding back and I'm back in my transcendent world where the future is whispering in my ear (not literally; see: I have no medical induced hallucinations) that "this is it" "this is where we are going" "remember THIS forever, this is who you were before and will become again"
Anyway, since I can now recognize a seizure at it's onset or when it is starting to take over, I can just switch gears. I used to really like being able to do something totally focused with as many distractions and as much stimulation as possible for an extended period of time, but when I learned how dangerous it is for the brain function in one area to become that acute and that going into it too deep is the reason I often have a foggy memory that's just a smear of what happened. That's no kind of life. So I've learned to control this aspect of myself. When I start noticing I am playing a video game and staring through the screen and mashing buttons at the right time, then I just stop, even at the slightest hint of this. If my singing sucks, it's because I have been dicking around on the computer and focusing on the TV playing in the living room up stairs and concentrating on making out the faint words and otherwise not reading what I have on the screen and after a few hours of this, my muscle coordination is that of a three year old and my auditory sense are totally burned out and overworked. Now, I can just stop, relax and do something on a different "frequency" and keep myself in a nice balance. Right now, obviously, I'm not, because I need to remember this. It's not a defense for the egotistical and delusional behaviour I have demonstrated and this post seems to be a continuance of. Just a little perspective and I can stop this madness once and for all, but it SHOULD be explained. I have a feeling this is what being autistic IS, but autistic kids are not as obsessed with mastering the complications of the mind as I guess I am.
Back to weirdness, what's with all the metal songs describing at least some of this being common to the songwriters? "La Vita Fugge" by Vision Divine is an exact description of what this is like. I've long suspected a lot of these guys are autistic due to obessed they are with limited subjects, but are a lot of these guys just able to go into a trance like seizure and just play guitar or whatever because their brain exists only for that task when they are doing it? Their lyrics seem to suggest something to that effect and Neil Peart has even written about it.
If anyone read this, thank you, this is finally over with. I can move on having alleviated my emotional connection with the guilt and shame I have felt while away from this board because of my actions on this board and the complete inability to articulate my motivation and actions. Call this a Satanic ritual in my own mind. If you know anything about them, that's what this is for me writing like this and it shall be the last one - for I have no more need to escape this far to find what I already knew.
...and so it done. Shemhamforash. Hail Satan! Hail Adveser!
[PS - this is basically the lyrical subject matter I plan on working with, let me know if you think it's a good idea...maybe the whole thing is just a fantasy that I think rivals the great sagas told by Rhapsody, Labyrinth/VD, and Ayreon and I want to believe it. You know a Satanist doesn't particularly care what is true if it gets him the results. - Maybe you can call this the "it was all a dream" fakeout at the end]
And if anyone's still with me and has any of my old recordings for some reasons, I need a good laugh and want to hear how bad it really was, because I basically would just get in this mood where I couldn't be told otherwise, and I would like to hear what everyone else heard because I couldn't hear it that way the first time. I had to deceive myself to keep going.
