How do you feel today ?

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2012 7:53 pm

snake wrote:

Define Infinity wrote:

snake wrote:

ok so i got home like 30 mins ago from down. as i said earlier my buddy brought his girl with him. i had never met her before. i only met him because of parole. he got out a month and a half after me and our parole officer asked me to give him rides to report twice a week in exchange for having my community service voided. so i jumped on that opportunity. so this guy turned out to be really cool and at this point 16 and a half months later we are friends. he likes stoner, doom, thrash, and rock and i like everything. he doesnt like the harsher vocal styles and i do but we meet in the middle on certain things and thats great. so i met his gf tonight she is really cool as well.

so there goes some back story. now i may drift into depression for awhile. btw im drunk and will most likely regret posting this tomorrow. i regret posting many things actually. but here goes.

so im alone in life. i try and make myself believe i am better and to some extent deserve to be alone for all my past mistakes and whatnot. fact is being alone is lonely. lonely fuckin sucks. im a good guy. despite my past and even during my past ive always been a decent person. im very hard on myself for the mistakes ive made and my self esteem is in the fuckin crapper. there was a time when i was so confident i could get anyone if i wanted them. now i cant even look people in the eye. ive done some awful shit but im not a really bad person. idk. i never used to think about things this deeply. tonight it just hit me. seeing them together. how nice it must be to get to go home and just not be alone.

fuck. why am i even typing all this shit. i hate sympathy. i really dont have anyone i can talk to. lets face it everyone i know is a criminal for the most part. idk how i got to this point. i deal with these people and i cant be myself. i have to put on the hard guy front when believe it or not i am not that. if anything im a sensitive overly emotional wreck of a man.

most of the people i know are not good people. some are. but most arent. ive known these people for a very long time and they think im one person when im really not that person.

idk im debating wether i post this. im gonna post this for one reason.

i have been totally honest in this forum. no exagerrations. anything ive said has been true. to the people who have read anything ive posted about my life this is for you. i dont want you to think im some asshole tough guy asshole. im not that guy. unfortunatly i had to play that role for some time. but thats not ME. so this is the other side of the guy youve been chatting with for 2 or 3 weeks. i cant remember how long but hopefully this makes sense to some degree and you understand what it is im trying to convey to you here. and i want all of you to know who i am because i like you all. i want to stick around if you will have me.

fuck. i am a long winded ass.

BUDDY!

So, you have had a bit to drink and now everything from your past has come back to bother you in some way. Listen! What you have been in the past matters, BUT, what you are now matters more. You have never came off as someone that was an asshole or wanted to prove himself somehow to everybody else. I think you're a very decent person with great HUMANE qualities. You are for one a conscientious person and that's not how criminals are defined. They are defined as people WITHOUT a moral or ethical dilemma. No conscious at all! You have a dilemma. You are always trying to become a better person. Being lonely is a terrible thing. I empathize. I have been there. At some point, I lost most of my friends. It was only then that I found out about my true and loyal friends. If you don't have that... try to let go of the friends that are polluted. Let them go... Keep away, or stay as further from them as possible. Making new friends is always a possibility. Try prominent online date sites. They do help sometimes. Not that I've tried them but I know it works for people. It's not the end of all hopes. THERE IS HOPE, BROTHER. The morning star and the night stars will always be there. Just see them and you will find. Slowly seek and you shall find. In terms of how you deal with your past... alcohol and drugs are not the way. You don't seem like a big drinker nor someone that would do drugs a lot, but behold that it's an easy way out.

I hope this helped.

I actually don't drink a lot. My tolerance is way low. I don't remember posting too much of this. Ehhhh. I'm embarrassed. Please disregard my drunken rant. Thanks guys though for the responses. I'm a emotional drunk. That's the only excuse I have. Haha. today besides being hung over I'm fine.

All good.

traptunderice · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2012 8:24 pm

Don't sweat it, guy. Being lonely sucks.

Azrael · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:11 pm

hmm. had to get something off my chest.

i had a girlfriend with whom i broke up. i did it rather childishly, but she was my first girlfriend, i was younger, and it was at a time of my life where all i could think of was changing everything - get out of portugal, get a job outside my invasive (it really is the right word) family business, etc. . we remained close friends for about a year and a half after that, just as we had been before being a couple, speaking almost every day. in january she stopped speaking to me, except when it was a mutual friend's birthday or some shit, and this one time when she emailed me after 4 months of silence to ask for some old university project she needed (that really hurt).

i dunno. it's just so weird. i know it's awkward to hang out with your ex and stuff, but to me it's so weird that someone can be the centre of your universe, and you theirs, and then nothing. i hate going to these mutual friend things because she's going to be there and i have to pretend i'm ok with her. i just really wanted to believe that when she walked into the computer room at uni on the night we met, and we hit it off almost immediately, we'd be in each others' lives forever. it's such a shame that after making each other smile so much, as good friends and each other's first -friends, this is what we're reduced to. that goddamn gotye song.

/whine

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:22 pm

Azrael wrote:

hmm. had to get something off my chest.

i had a girlfriend with whom i broke up. i did it rather childishly, but she was my first girlfriend, i was younger, and it was at a time of my life where all i could think of was changing everything - get out of portugal, get a job outside my invasive (it really is the right word) family business, etc. . we remained close friends for about a year and a half after that, just as we had been before being a couple, speaking almost every day. in january she stopped speaking to me, except when it was a mutual friend's birthday or some shit, and this one time when she emailed me after 4 months of silence to ask for some old university project she needed (that really hurt).

i dunno. it's just so weird. i know it's awkward to hang out with your ex and stuff, but to me it's so weird that someone can be the centre of your universe, and you theirs, and then nothing. i hate going to these mutual friend things because she's going to be there and i have to pretend i'm ok with her. i just really wanted to believe that when she walked into the computer room at uni on the night we met, and we hit it off almost immediately, we'd be in each others' lives forever. it's such a shame that after making each other smile so much, as good friends and each other's first -friends, this is what we're reduced to. that goddamn gotye song.

/whine

That must be a horrible feeling. That is frightening. Getting attached like that and then it suddenly comes to a complete stop and all emotions are put away and dead! You'll find someone that is more worth the time, and also the immense emotional investment.

traptunderice · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:54 pm

Azrael wrote:

hmm. had to get something off my chest.

i had a girlfriend with whom i broke up. i did it rather childishly, but she was my first girlfriend, i was younger, and it was at a time of my life where all i could think of was changing everything - get out of portugal, get a job outside my invasive (it really is the right word) family business, etc. . we remained close friends for about a year and a half after that, just as we had been before being a couple, speaking almost every day. in january she stopped speaking to me, except when it was a mutual friend's birthday or some shit, and this one time when she emailed me after 4 months of silence to ask for some old university project she needed (that really hurt).

i dunno. it's just so weird. i know it's awkward to hang out with your ex and stuff, but to me it's so weird that someone can be the centre of your universe, and you theirs, and then nothing. i hate going to these mutual friend things because she's going to be there and i have to pretend i'm ok with her. i just really wanted to believe that when she walked into the computer room at uni on the night we met, and we hit it off almost immediately, we'd be in each others' lives forever. it's such a shame that after making each other smile so much, as good friends and each other's first -friends, this is what we're reduced to. that goddamn gotye song.

/whine

+1. What sucks is when you talk to that person and it almost feels like old times, but instead when they hang up the phone, they're going to be going back to some other guy. I just wish that I could be back with that person after two years later, I've now grown up. I really like who I became without them, but I question whether losing them was worth it.

Thrashtildeth · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:37 am

traptunderice wrote:

What sucks is when you talk to that person and it almost feels like old times, but instead when they hang up the phone, they're going to be going back to some other guy. I just wish that I could be back with that person after two years later, I've now grown up. I really like who I became without them, but I question whether losing them was worth it.

Interesting you should say that. As I've said before, I've been with my girlfriend since I was 20, and I'm 26 now. I'd never even been in a relationship longer than a couple of months before her. After a couple of years, I started having some doubts. Not because there was anything wrong with the relationship, but because of wanting to "sow the wild oats" as they say. In the end I decided it was worth it and I stuck with it.

That feeling of doubt has been pretty much gone for years now, and I'm happy with my choices, but every once in a while - quite rarely, but it happens - I get a feeling of "what if?" just sort of imagaining what my life might have been like if I hadn't settled down so young. Again, it's very rare, but if we have a big fight or something, it does have a way of crossing my mind. Reading what you just wrote, Trapt, really puts it into perspective for me. I think if I had broken up with her, I would have gotten to this stage in my life and been very depressed about it.

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 1:23 am

Six years is quite a milestone, Bar! I hope I can have something as enriching and as powerful as that.

Thrashtildeth · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 1:30 am

Define Infinity wrote:

Six years is quite a milestone, Bar! I hope I can have something as enriching and as powerful as that.

Yeah, it's weird in a way. Our six year anniversary is in December. As a teenager I certainly never pictured myself being so settled down by this age. I thought I was going to be very promiscuous, but I've been very much the opposite. Still, as I said in the above post, the rewards are all worth the effort if you've found the right girl.

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 1:46 am

Thrashtildeth wrote:

Define Infinity wrote:

Six years is quite a milestone, Bar! I hope I can have something as enriching and as powerful as that.

Yeah, it's weird in a way. Our six year anniversary is in December. As a teenager I certainly never pictured myself being so settled down by this age. I thought I was going to be very promiscuous, but I've been very much the opposite. Still, as I said in the above post, the rewards are all worth the effort if you've found the right girl.

One can only Hope...

traptunderice · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 2:20 am

Thrashtildeth wrote:

After a couple of years, I started having some doubts. Not because there was anything wrong with the relationship, but because of wanting to "sow the wild oats" as they say. In the end I decided it was worth it and I stuck with it..

Sowing the wild oats isn't worth it.

Quote:

I think if I had broken up with her, I would have gotten to this stage in my life and been very depressed about it.

Story of my life. I have three years before I hit 26. I'm banking on things taking a turn for the positive.

Bruce_Bitenfils · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 8:58 am

Azrael wrote:

hmm. had to get something off my chest.

i had a girlfriend with whom i broke up. i did it rather childishly, but she was my first girlfriend, i was younger, and it was at a time of my life where all i could think of was changing everything - get out of portugal, get a job outside my invasive (it really is the right word) family business, etc. . we remained close friends for about a year and a half after that, just as we had been before being a couple, speaking almost every day. in january she stopped speaking to me, except when it was a mutual friend's birthday or some shit, and this one time when she emailed me after 4 months of silence to ask for some old university project she needed (that really hurt).

i dunno. it's just so weird. i know it's awkward to hang out with your ex and stuff, but to me it's so weird that someone can be the centre of your universe, and you theirs, and then nothing. i hate going to these mutual friend things because she's going to be there and i have to pretend i'm ok with her. i just really wanted to believe that when she walked into the computer room at uni on the night we met, and we hit it off almost immediately, we'd be in each others' lives forever. it's such a shame that after making each other smile so much, as good friends and each other's first -friends, this is what we're reduced to. that goddamn gotye song.

/whine

Oooh how I can sympathize with that. I'm not too far of being in the same situation. Went out with a lady for a year and a half (the only woman I truly ever loved, really), and we have been close friends for three years now. Thing is, our seeing/talking to each other gets scarcer and scarcer. I feel awful about it because she's really important and unique to me, but I guess (I'm sure) it's for the better (it's healthier that way, no doubt). I only hope we'll remain close friends for as long as possible.

traptunderice · **Posted:** Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:37 am

One of those mornings that you wake up at 4am, because you slept like shit for the five hours you attempted to. Gives me a chance to write reviews and read for class today, while hopefully setting my sleep pattern back to a normal state. I'm tired of staying up till 3am watching Highlander, I miss mornings.

noodles · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:50 pm

Got orientated at my new job (Chapters) and talked to my school's grad advisor. I'M EXCITED. Got me a letter of intent and a SSHRC application to write.

snake · **Posted:** Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:46 pm

Today I'm pissed.

My mom works as a waitress at this place. She has been there for like 8 years. She got sick recently an had to take some time off. She got better and went back to work. She's been back at work for about a week. Last night the lady that does the schedule tells her that her hours have been cut down to basically nothing.

My mom calls the actual owner today and he says some shit about they didn't know what she was gonna do so they had to hire people to cover her when she was sick. Idk.

This is fucked up because she isn't gonna be able to afford her apt. For to long with out income. And I'm in no position to help. Before I went away I would of been able to pay her rent no problem but those days are over. I feel helpless because I can't really do anything to help her. This angers me to no end.

traptunderice · **Posted:** Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:19 pm

snake wrote:

Today I'm pissed.

My mom works as a waitress at this place. She has been there for like 8 years. She got sick recently an had to take some time off. She got better and went back to work. She's been back at work for about a week. Last night the lady that does the schedule tells her that her hours have been cut down to basically nothing.

My mom calls the actual owner today and he says some shit about they didn't know what she was gonna do so they had to hire people to cover her when she was sick. Idk.

This is fucked up because she isn't gonna be able to afford her apt. For to long with out income. And I'm in no position to help. Before I went away I would of been able to pay her rent no problem but those days are over. I feel helpless because I can't really do anything to help her. This angers me to no end.

That's fucking ridiculous. Rather than actually conferring with their employee they just went behind her back. Any chance either of you could get a part time job in the meantime in order to take up for the lost wages?

snake · **Posted:** Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:34 pm

traptunderice wrote:

snake wrote:

Today I'm pissed.

My mom works as a waitress at this place. She has been there for like 8 years. She got sick recently an had to take some time off. She got better and went back to work. She's been back at work for about a week. Last night the lady that does the schedule tells her that her hours have been cut down to basically nothing.

My mom calls the actual owner today and he says some shit about they didn't know what she was gonna do so they had to hire people to cover her when she was sick. Idk.

This is fucked up because she isn't gonna be able to afford her apt. For to long with out income. And I'm in no position to help. Before I went away I would of been able to pay her rent no problem but those days are over. I feel helpless because I can't really do anything to help her. This angers me to no end.

That's fucking ridiculous. Rather than actually conferring with their employee they just went behind her back. Any chance either of you could get a part time job in the meantime in order to take up for the lost wages?

I don't live with her. But yeah she is going to put out flyers to clean people's houses. I'm gonna have to take another job at night to help her out. What her boss did and how he did it is what pisses me off. Life is a constant battle. Idk why it has to be this way. Shit has always been hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. Ehhhh what can you do but keep fuckin trying.

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Thu Oct 04, 2012 2:22 am

I just wish there was an easier way out to figure how she feels about the whole thing. I mean she always wants to hang out and stares at my lips and shit but I guess she wants to take it real slow or something. Waiting is killing me! If there was something I could say to speak her mind or an action that be a definite "yes" as to her true feelings. Quite frankly... I don't know!

EDIT: The problem is I don't want to get too attached to her and then something happens that deeply disappoints me!

North From Here · **Posted:** Thu Oct 04, 2012 3:48 am

snake wrote:

traptunderice wrote:

snake wrote:

Today I'm pissed.

My mom works as a waitress at this place. She has been there for like 8 years. She got sick recently an had to take some time off. She got better and went back to work. She's been back at work for about a week. Last night the lady that does the schedule tells her that her hours have been cut down to basically nothing.

My mom calls the actual owner today and he says some shit about they didn't know what she was gonna do so they had to hire people to cover her when she was sick. Idk.

This is fucked up because she isn't gonna be able to afford her apt. For to long with out income. And I'm in no position to help. Before I went away I would of been able to pay her rent no problem but those days are over. I feel helpless because I can't really do anything to help her. This angers me to no end.

That's fucking ridiculous. Rather than actually conferring with their employee they just went behind her back. Any chance either of you could get a part time job in the meantime in order to take up for the lost wages?

I don't live with her. But yeah she is going to put out flyers to clean people's houses. I'm gonna have to take another job at night to help her out. What her boss did and how he did it is what pisses me off. Life is a constant battle. Idk why it has to be this way. Shit has always been hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. Ehhhh what can you do but keep fuckin trying.

My sympathies snake. Shit move by shitty people.

DI: "Waiting is killing me." You know she might be testing you a little bit. Just occupy your mind with other things as best you can and play your interactions with her down a little bit.

traptunderice · **Posted:** Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:06 am

Give her some distance, DI. Don't cut off contact, but tone it back. Let her decide for herself that she wants to see you. She never gets a chance to ponder on whether she likes you or not if you're just always around.

@snake: Move was bullshit on the part of the business. But honestly, I think you know as well as I do, that people who struggle to get by always pull something together.

SilkCrimsonMoon · **Posted:** Thu Oct 04, 2012 4:29 am

Snake: Just saw your post. That's fucking tough, man. Just goes to show the shitty world we live in some times. All the best in finding a quick and practical solution.

Emperor and Trapt: Yeah... You guys are right. I have also thought about giving her a distant so she can ponder and reflect in her personal time, her true feelings about/for me. What I was trying to say is that I am investing my soul into this and would like to know that if there is a good possibility of evolution and progression towards a great good and that is she revealing her emotions in some shades. I hate waiting some times and it really is a pain in the ASS! Some times she doesn't leave my mind no matter what I do. The matter of the fact is: She likes to spend as much time as possible with me (as far as I know) and I do believe that does say something important about this whole thing. However, in terms of how far into the thoughts of affection and love that could go, is a matter of discussion and more so speculation beyond the boarders of pointless presumptions and also evidence that resides but doubt also exists immanently.

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