To start off this review, I'd like to apologize for arriving late. I was supposed to be joining the staff along with the six other new guys, but had a few tragedies to hurdle over in the past week before I could even access my email. That being said, let's begin.

Given the fact that all of my cd collection are from bands and albums that I like, I was left with only one option. My collection is only about 100-150 albums so I have a basis for solid archives but I am unable to conjure up any bad reviews aside from this one because I have not yet been able to dip my hand into the promo pool.

I borrowed this cd from a friend of mine. His base of his collection is this garbage he calls "Slam Death Metal." I noticed that when us reviewers reserve albums to review, almost all of the predetermined quotes are positive or classic. I noticed myself that bad reviews are harder to write. Well, I can't write archives about all of my favorite albums, and until I hear something else as horrific as this, we'll have to dive right in.

The album under the microscope is Disfiguring the Goddess, an album named after the band, which is of course called Disfiguring the Goddess Where to start in my scrutiny of this album will be tough. I wrote a review for this band (given the fact that it's the only bad cd in my possession) as my application sample, but I won't cheapskate anyone out of new thoughts and ideas.

My first complaint is the monotony of this album. There are great albums that draw you in to the point where you're hypnotized and the songs sound blended as one. Much of Ambient Black Metal, if it achieves its goal, is capable of doing this. This album does none of that. It leaves you sitting there with disdain, thinking about just how bad the album is while each song blends together because of the true monotone sound of these songs.

Most Death Metal is regularly tuned in Drop C. Disfiguring the Goddess tune to "wet noodle" tuning, where the strings reverberate to an extent where it's just ridiculous. Not to mention that the riffs are almost all the same, played in the lowest register of the fretboard. When a riff is played higher, they are almost always drowned out by the drums. To add to the deepness of the riffs are the vocals performed by Cameron "Big Chocolate" Argon. They are low, inaudible grunts almost the entire time. Arguably some of the finest vocalists in Death Metal hit those low tones but also have that piercing shriek that rips your head off. I frequently compare Argon's vocals to a grizzly bear belching after swallowing a little girl. They're that bad. Given the consistent droning of the low pitch guitars and vocals, the bass guitar (if they have one) is completely impossible to hear.

In order to break through the icy sheet of boredom that I am trapped under, drowning in misery, not to mention the headache I have gotten from the freezing water, they decided in a couple of songs to add an element to their music which just turns my headache into a heart attack: keyboards. I'm not sure why they added keyboards to this music but the synth seems so out of place here it makes a big pink elephant juggling running chainsaws a more subtle addition to the room. Could you imagine Beethoven playing during a song like Crown of Thorns??? I didn't think so.

Really the only positives I can level with this band is that the drum sound is good. And varies from time to time. Although the good drum parts are often drowned out by Big Chocolate and his string mimicry they call riffs. But far and beyond the best part of this album is the length. Merciful to say the least, with some songs clocking in at barely over a minute.

I, and many other true Metalheads, hate this type of music. Without a shadow of a doubt this is a review difficult to communicate to the readers without an injection of personal negativity. Discussing the musicianship and songwriting itself will suffice, but only listening to this album several times will do justice in explaining why this album is so bad, and why I deserve to voice my opinion in the harshest of ways